Dinner Cancellations and Secrets

Remember my husbands team dinner?

Well it’s been rescheduled to next Tuesday.  He emailed me about an hour ago to let me know.

I went into a panic.

I don’t know why I am reacting this way.

This is the reply I sent him, copy and pasted from the email;

Last night I proved to myself that I can’t be trusted around food. I should have been able to resist the nacho’s.

I need to sit this out… I am a food addict and need to be responsible for my actions. I don’t have the willpower in a buffet situation.
I am also declining the invitation to have dinner with XXXXXX and XXXXXX  before the movie on Wednesday night. Even though I can chose what I order, I don’t know how much oil etc they use so I am not prepared to risk my hard work at this stage.

Sorry to let you down… I have to do this for me.

Xx

I am flooded with emotions. The tears haven’t stopped since I hit reply.

Is it because I finally put it in writing. THAT I AM AN ADDICT ?

Is it that I am letting my husband down because I have no willpower?

Is it because I try so fucking hard to be normal and this just proves that I am not normal.  No normal person has to withdraw from social situations to avoid food.

Also two of my closest friends and I are going to see Magic Mike at Gold Class on Wednesday night with dinner before hand.  I have just let them know that I won’t be joining them for dinner.  This is just ridiculous, I am so ashamed of myself right now. I am so angry that I have allowed myself to get so big and that these actions need to be taken.

I was actually having a really positive day, even momentarily forgiving myself for the handful or two or three of the Nacho’s with sour cream and guacamole that I had before my salad last night.  (my first indiscretion in almost 4 weeks) 

My 8 week challenge with Shannan Pontan starts on Monday 13^Th August.  I haven’t told my husband I have joined up. I haven’t told him that I have been using The Biggest Loser Website for the past 3 weeks.

He is having his own weight struggles and whilst he is eating my low cal meals he is indulging in his foods of choice in between.  Whilst he definitely supports my weight loss, he struggles with me banging on about it.

 
I have been so motivated and totally in the right head space, with proven results. I know this must be hard for him to keep hearing. 

In saying this, I hate having secrets. It’s really not intentional; I just don’t know how to go about telling him. He doesn’t even know about this blog!

At this point in time I am still not disclosing anything… fear of failure maybe? I think a little bit of everything is coming into play.

I need to stop crying before he gets home… I hate feeling this way.

I am looking forward to a happier post next blog !