A little unplanned milestone

On Saturday I dropped my son and his friends at the movies. My hubby and my son's birthday's are fast approaching so I used the opportunity to do some birthday shopping.
I had my daughter (Miss 16) with me. We ended up shopping more for her than anyone else. She is a petite size 8/10 and can shop wherever she chooses. Even in the little Asian shops whose clothes seem small enough to dress a doll!
While Miss 16 was in the changing rooms, I pondered about what clothes I would chose if I were a size 14 or even a 16. I don't usually allow myself to think about these things as it usually makes me depressed. For some reason that day was an exception.

I haven't been able to personally shop for years. I had exceeded the "Large" sizes sold in the big ladies speciality stores. The last time I shopped in a store was when I was in Las Vegas 5 years ago. This is because they cater for the morbidly obese!

I usually order my clothes from the UK or the USA, even my Bra's come from over sea's!

Occasionally I will get a tailor to make me something if I am in a hurry and can find nice material.

Back to our shopping trip..... Miss 16 suggests we look in Autograph (size 16-26) . Hmmm I thought they may have some elastic waisted pants or leggings so I agreed. (they also have nice shoes)

Miss 16 was pulling clothes of racks .. "How about this?", "This would look nice" etc etc

I kept telling her nothing in the store would fit.

The shop assistant heard me and swiftly made a bee line to me with some clothes in hand.  After some not so gentle persuasion, I reluctantly tried on the clothes. 2 pairs of jeans, 1 pair of pants, 1 cardigan and 3 jumpers. All but one item fit... the jumper that didn't fit was because it was too big ! a smaller size fitted perfectly!

I was really uncomfortable in the jeans and decided that now was not the time for them.

I have lots of elastic waisted pants so they went back to the shelf too.

This left 1 cardigan which I brought.  It also left the 3 jumpers.  In days gone by I would have snapped them up purely because they fit. It wouldn't have mattered that I didn't particularly like them, as long as they fit.

I brought 1 jumper because I loved it. The other 2 I didn't love, so I promptly sent them back.

I had a little teary moment in the fitting room. I couldn't believe what a difference 24 kgs had made.

I hadn't budgeted to spend $150 on two pieces of clothing but I really didn't care. Briefly I thought about the pile of bills I have... briefly.  This was for me. This was how it was going to be. Not up for discussion.

SO thanks to Miss 16, I realised that I had reached an unplanned milestone. I had finally shopped off the rack! Something taken for granted by millions of woman around the Country... something so simple. 

Now I dare to dream big.... one day I will shop off the rack at the standard sized stores. .... one day.

I definitely wont be shopping for elastic waisted pants!

Coming to you from my IPad

How exciting, I just downloaded the Blogger App to my IPad. Who would have thought that technology would play such a mammoth part in our everyday lives ?
My newly acquired IPad comes everywhere with me. It allows me to communicate in any situation as I have a cellular plan attached to it.
Tomorrow is Junior Footy and my son is playing in the gorgeous Mornington Peninsula Suburb "Mt Martha"
Mt Martha has lots of scrumptious cafe's and restaurants offering thousands of delicious calories!
I have an hour to wait before his match starts. Rather than sit in a Cafe having coffee and bacon & eggs, I will grab myself a takeaway Skinny Hot Chocolate and sit in the car with my IPad reading a book or mag that I have downloaded.
This is my indulgence before the game. Oh how things have changed !
I have even pre cooked lunch for tomorrow so that I am not tempted by my beloved footy food!
Waiting at home for me will be a delicious Lamb Korma (from the Bikini Cook Book)
So it seems I have got a plan together for tomorrow... One day at a time ....

Biggest Loser Club Week 2 Weigh in 25/7/12

Biggest Loser Club Week 2 Weigh in  25/7/12

Another good result, not quite what I had hoped for but I am still happy. It's that time of the month so I'm guessing this would impact the scales. That being said I had a loss of 1.3kgs.

Total weight loss in 2 weeks

Total % of body weight lost in 2 weeks.

Happy days... hoping next week finally gets me under 130 kgs ! BRING IT ON !





Material Rewards for Losing Weight

Material rewards for losing weight.

I had never been once to use a reward system for losing weight until this year. I always thought that losing weight was reward enough.

For my 40^th Birthday in January this year I was given a combined total of approx $2500 worth of Tiffany & Co Vouchers and Chadstone Shopping Centre Vouchers.

I knew what I wanted from Tiffany and I was desperate to get it.

I had a light bulb moment.  I set a goal to lose 20 kgs. Once I had lost the 20 kgs I could go and get my bracelet.

It took me from 14th January 2012 to 7^th of May 2012 to lose the 20 kgs. I went straight to Tiffany.

It worked. The lure of getting something that I so desperately wanted, motivated me to achieve it.

The fact that I had told everyone that I wasn’t getting my bracelet until I lost 20 kilos also helped.

BUT something else happened…. Even though I still had 80 kgs to lose, it was like my brain turned off the weight loss motivation. It was like I had reached the goal I had set, end of story.

Between 7^th of May and 7^th of June I fell off the waggon one day, back on the next… my weight fluctuated up and down each day. I managed to lose another 1.5 kilos over that month, no where near what I should have lost. Then came June 7^th, My Daughters Birthday Celebrations… the start of the weight gain.

My friend Nic, who is own her own weight loss journey, always sets herself goals and rewards. She showed me her “list”. Impressed, I made my own list. I am sure it will need revision from time to time, but it’s a start. The goals I’ve set only take me to 100 kgs, I am thinking I should take it all the way to my ultimate goal. 54.4kgs … I am apprehensive as I don’t ever envisage myself getting to that weight. But I suppose it’s time for me to dream big.

Here is my list thus far to 99.4 kgs: (55kg loss)

Goal Date	Goal Weight	Mini Goal	Achieved By	Reward
11/07/2012	136.8		110712
25/07/2012	133		140712	Pink Polar Heart Rate Monitor
15/08/2012	129.4	25kgs		Spencer & Rutherford Ipad Sleeve
12/09/2012	124.4	30kgs		Echuca 2 day Getaway
10/10/2012	119.4	35kgs		2nd Wedding Ann Surprise
7/11/2012	114.4	40kgs		New GHD Straightener
5/12/2012	109.4	45kgs		Hairdresser
2/01/2013	104.4	50kgs		Clothes Shopping
30/01/2013	99.4	55kgs		HubbiesTiffany Gift

I have already reached the 133kg goal so I was able to get my heart rate monitor ready for my upcoming exercise regime with Shannan Pontons 8 week challenge.

I laugh at the Hairdresser goal. I must explain that ever since I got my first part time job at the age of 13, I have paid to get my hair coloured every 10 weeks.  The cost of doing this has now risen to around $135! In a budget re hash last October, something had to go. It was either my hair or my nails… I chose my hair! I purchased my first ever packet colour and have been colouring my own hair ever since. I miss going to the hairdresser. I miss the professional results! I can’t wait to get back in that chair again.

Hubby also made a big statement… he said that “IF” I reached 100 kgs he would spend $1000 in Tiffany for me. Hmmmm he had better start saving because I WILL get there, sooner than he thinks!

Cluttered House, Cluttered Life?

Clutter and Mess.

What does it say about someone? I have my own theory and usually it proves me correct.

When I walk into a house that is cluttered, crap everywhere, dirty floors and benches etc; one thing pops into mind immediately.

The person’s life is out of control. Why else would one have no pride to present the space that they inhibit in such a way?

My theory is based on personal experience, my first marriage was a shocker… my house was never dirty, but I didn’t put things away… every now and then I would have a big clean up, but for the most part, I was messy. There, I said it.

So, I try not to judge. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.

Some people apologise for their mess, offering excuses like, oh I work and my kids keep me busy and and and and ……

Others don’t apologise.

I don’t require an apology. I am not there to look at their house. I am there to visit them. Although it may be more pleasant if I didn’t have to look at their washing etc!

This brings me to my own current situation.

My house is always presented neat, tidy and clean.  And if I know someone is coming, the cleaning gets extra attention.  I do believe it’s a pride issue. It doesn’t matter if I have worked a 40 hour week, been a taxi to my kids, etc etc … our house is clean and tidy.

We have structure and rules.

We do not eat or drink on the couch, in bedrooms, etc
The only places we eat or drink are either at the Dining room table or the breakfast bar. No exceptions.
This means no spills on our carpet or lounge suites. We have ALWAYS lived with this rule and the kids know no different.
We all make our beds in the morning. (The simple things)
Both children have some cleaning duties and whilst not usually done to a high standard, it makes it easier for me to go over it and do it properly.

My son even has to wash his football boots after every training session and every game. I don’t like seeing children in dirty clothes or shoes.

My Grandmother always says that it doesn’t matter how poor you are, you should always have clean shoes! Of course she is right.

Am I Clutter free? No. I have little corners of my house that have little clutter issues.

I see this as a reflection of myself.  Like my house, I present myself to the world as a neat and tidy person who has her shit together. But look a little deeper and you find the corners where the clutter is buried. 

I have decided to attack the physical clutter areas one by one. I have a pile of papers over 6 inches high that need to be sorted, filled in, posted or filed. Tomorrow is the day.  I am hoping that with each pile of clutter I manage to sort out, that I can work on one internal one. Sounds good in theory hey?

 Over 6 inches of papers to be sorted

I am not sure which internal issue to choose first!

I have up until now, chosen to hide my clutter.

I have a variety of hidden clutter piles I need to address, my cupboards especially.  I want to rid my space of anything that is taking up room….. much like my life wearing elastic waisted pants.

Food treats dont have to be junk.. or do they?

I have been on my best behaviour since round 2 of my new lifestyle.
I have made the best food choices 100% of the time.
I have recorded everything I have eaten in the Biggest Loser Online Diary, therefore keeping a calorie count.
I struggle with my fluid intake of 2 litres a day but get as close as I can.
I am  about to plan my weeks meals and go grocery shop for the ingredients.
I can't wait for my Bikini Cook Book Vol 2 to arrive tomorrow !
( http://thebikinicookbook.com/ )

I cooked the nicest Indian Beef Curry from Volume 1

This mornings Treat Brunch "Brekky Omelet"from Volume 1

So even though today's brunch was extremely low in calories (205), I actually consider it a treat. This is the type of dish that hubby & I would have ordered previously when we would eat out for breakfast.

Though the version would vary slightly with the addition of a lot more dairy, calories and fat... today's version was as tasty as any omelet I have ordered at a restaurant.  I don't usually cook breakfast. In fact I never have breakfast in the traditional sense. Usually a muesli bar and a banana is my breakfast.  I have decided to treat myself at least once a week to a cooked breakfast. I consider it a treat because I am fuelling this big tank of mine with food that is full of goodness and taste. It's a treat because I am making time for me to enjoy this meal. It's a treat because I say it's a treat ! hehehe

Am I missing non healthy food?  hmmm I don't think so, but can't be certain. My daughter has a big jar a pistachio's on the kitchen bench and my son has a family size packet of skittles. The pistachios are enticing me. I know it would be OK to have a few.. BUT .. I don't want a few, I want the whole jar, so I will stay away. I don't care for lollies so the skittles are safe.

I confess that I miss the ease of takeaway food, that's about all at this stage. Tomorrow maybe different.  I change my mind like the wind, that's how I roll in my life wearing elastic waisted pants !



50 reasons I want to lose weight

Inspired by my friend Nic, I have come up with 50 reasons that I need to lose weight... there are probably 1000+ reasons.... but these are the ones that come straight to mind:

1. To prove to myself that I can complete this journey once and for all
2. To be proud of myself
3. To feel confident
4. To make my family proud
5. To not be the fat friend
6. To be healthy
7. To be rid of sleep apnoea
8. To be rid of asthma
9. To stop snoring
10. To not be judged by my size
11. To blend in to a crowd
12. To be confident naked
13. To love myself
14. To lower my risk of weight related diseases
15. To not be defined at Fat
16. To buy sexy underwear
17. To receive jewellery and not have to pay to have it re sized
18. To have my husband proud to be seen with me
19. To feel in control of myself
20. To buy nice clothes
21. To have more photo’s taken especially with family
22. To be in control
23. To be in the healthy weight range on the chart
24. To not use my weight as an excuse
25. To not worry about fitting into booths at restaurants
26. To apply for jobs without fear of missing out because of my weight
27. To be able to walk longer distances without losing my breath
28. To make up for lost time
29. To have a healthy glow
30. To try on a wedding dress
31. To not hide from the camera
32. To have my knee and hip joints pain free
33. To play a round of Golf with my Dad before he dies
34. To not be a statistic
35. To participate in life
36. To not have my kids embarrassed by my weight
37. To use a Public Toilet and not worry whether I will fit in the cubicle
38. To end the assumption that I am lazy
39. To erase the memory of being called a Fat Pig
40. To fly on a plane again
41. To wear bathers
42. To have more energy
43. To go to a concert without worrying about squishing the person next to me
44. To hold my head high
45. To go to a day spa with girlfriends and not be embarrassed
46. To be comfortable in clothes that I chose to wear
47. To wear heels again
48. To be as feminine as I can be
49. To prove I can do this to those that doubt my ability to succeed
50. TO NOT HAVE TO WEAR ELASTIC WAISTED PANTS

The F Word

FAT


There I said it!


I don't  have a problem with saying it either.

I don't see it as politically incorrect.

I don't see it as degrading.

It is what it is. It's fat.

I just happen to have a shit load of it. Therefore, I am fat.

I prefer to be called fat than, cuddly, stocky, very chubby, big,  well conditioned or wide.

I find those words patronising.


I definitely prefer to be called fat rather than severely morbidly obese.

The moment you bring the words "morbidly" into the discussion it brings a whole new dynamic.

Does being Fat define who I am as a person though?

Apparently it does.


I have read MANY doctors reports that read as follows:


She presented as an Obese married woman and mother of two.


So, in their eyes, I am defined by being Obese. It's the first adjective they use to describe me. Did they note I have green eyes? brown hair? long finger nails or even a tattoo ? NO ... but they are more than quick to point out I am obese.


Why do I take offence to this?


Because my weight had NOTHING to do with the reason I was sitting in their Office.

There is a time and a place for discussing my weight and its not when I am asking for a referral to an ear specialist.


For ALL of my life I have been fat. Do I like it? NO . But am I realist? YES


I am fat, but should not be defined it !



I am a wife, mother, daughter, granddaughter, Auntie, Niece, Employee & Friend who just happens to be fat.


If I was not fat, I would not have to wear elastic waisted pants !

The Bosses Wife

Hubby works for one Australia's Big 4 Banks.

In fact, I worked there for a long time and encouraged him to apply for an entry level position.

He quickly climbed the Corporate Ladder.

He currently leads a team of 20 staff.  He has held this current position for almost 1 year.

Previous to this position, he lead a team of staff who were once my colleagues. I am still friends with many of them. I never really associated hubby with being their Boss though. It's not really something we ever spoke about.

I have always been somewhat intimidated by people in Management and the "power" they held over me. I'm not exactly sure why. My leader of preference though is usually male. Again, I don't know why.

Hubby announced last night that he is organising a "Team Dinner" for his staff and their partners for next week and would like me to accompany him.

Hmmm ... It finally hit me that he was a "Boss"

I studied his face and imagined what his staff thought of him. I wondered quietly if he enjoyed the "power" aspect of his position. I wondered how it felt for him to have to discipline staff. How it felt to praise staff. How did it feel to have their pay rise (or not) in his hands. My mind boggles.

I only know him as my husband.

I am secretly looking forward to watching the interactions between him and his staff at the dinner.

This revelation brought a whole new perspective in the way I view this complex man I call my soul mate.

Tuesday night I get to be The Bosses Wife ... will be an interesting night in my life wearing elastic waisted pants.

Being Organized for Dinner Time

Usually, I am semi organised.


This has not always been the case but over the past 10 years I started to get my shit together.


I am totally organised with some aspects of my day to day life and totally unorganised with other aspects.


I am trying my best to plan ahead with my meals and grocery shopping. The past week it has served me well.


As previously mentioned in an earlier blog, I have purchased The Bikini Cook Book Vol 1. I chose 3 dinner recipes that I would cook for the week. I also made a huge pot of my own home made soup and which combined  has covered us 7 meals. 


www.thebikinicookbook.com/

Traditionally, I hate lists. BUT ... I wrote a shopping list of all the ingredients I needed and managed to get them all in one trip to the Supermarket.


I also put my slow cooker to good use which cooked 2 of the meals. (which I doubled the portions to eat over two nights)


When I find a recipe I love I actually type it up in a word document, print it out and put it in my little folder with clear plastic pockets. This way there is no chance of getting spills etc on my cookbooks. (little bit anal about stuff like that!) and it also means I create 1 place for recipes I use often, rather than flicking through different books.


Now.... I just need to apply the organisation to other area's of my life in elastic waisted pants ...

Biggest Loser Club Week 1 Weigh In 18/7/12

Well today is a happy day!

For the first time in a long time I was happy to weigh in.

Today marks 1 week of 1200 calories a day.

I am happy to report a loss of 5kgs !!! I still can't believe it !

I am really hoping to smash the 130 kgs mark by next Wednesday

I would do a happy dance but my elastic waisted pants may just fall down.

My Weight Loss Surgeries

A quick warning... this post is long... its raw .... and there are some pictures that may disturb you. If you're not up for it, this is the post to skip ... though it does encompass a huge part of my life in elastic waisted pants ....

I gave up smoking on May29th, 2005. It’s been over 7 years since I have drawn nicotine into my lungs.

May 29^Th, 2005 was also the morning of my Bariatric Surgery (adjustable gastric banding operation) that led to many subsequent surgeries.

I saw it as a chance to kick the habit for good as I would be attached to a drip for days and not be able to have a smoke for at least 24 hours. Sadly, giving up smoking was not something I was doing for my health… in all honesty, it was for financial reasons.

The ONLY good thing to come out of my Bariatric Surgery was my ceasing smoking.

This was the second Lap Band I had put in.

The first lap band was non adjustable. I had that put in when I was 19 years old. I was among the first in Australia to have it done and the first in Victoria. I had it done at St Georges Hospital in Kew. I had no idea what I was in for ! Being a trial it was free, so I didn’t really care too much for the details.

It was definitely the most painful surgery that I have had. (and I have had a lot!) I remember everything about it so clearly.

I couldn’t eat anything but Heinz baby food for months….. I regurgitated my food daily and lost a shitload of weight very very quickly.

The energy I had was purely from the excitement of being slimmer. I went from a size 26 to a size 14-16 very quickly. I still thought I was huge at that stage!

I got engaged when I was 20ish …. I passed out at the engagement party from total malnutrition. At that point I was still eating mushy food but mainly unhealthy stuff.

I was encouraged to see a doctor. The doctor said I needed to eat and I should be eating whatever it is that I could get into me as I needed the nutrients. I don’t know what I was thinking as I started to shovel in anything… and I mean anything that I could. The easiest foods for me to eat were foods that would turn into a paste and pass through the band easily. This of course meant Chips, Chocolate, biscuits, cakes etc Cheese and Bacon Balls were on the top of my list. This also meant that meats, vegetables and salads were not easy for me to digest; in fact, I couldn’t eat them at all. They didn’t break down into a paste so would get stuck in my band.

My new eating habit saw me stack the weight back on… quickly … very quickly! My appetite increased like there was no tomorrow. I assumed that my band had burst or come undone etc as I was now able to eat the quantities that I could eat previous to my surgery.

I found out years later that I had actually stretched the small pouch to the size of my original stomach! This meant I now had two stomachs to fill !

 Over the years my weight ballooned to 168kgs. Considering I am only 154cms tall, this is extremely dangerous. My BMI was 70.8!!!!! It should be under 25 !

I had been living with severe sleep apnoea for a couple of years and was scared for my life.

This led me to looking into ADJUSTABLE lap band surgery. This WAS going to be my answer.

It was April 2004 when I first enquired.

I asked for a Professor of Bariatric Surgery and that’s exactly what / who I got. Yep the big wig… the one that travels the world teaching other surgeons the procedure, the one you see on TV talking up Bariatric Surgery. The cream of the crop. His Public Health System waiting list was 12 years! Funding the Procedure myself was in excess of $15,000. I had to attend a seminar on the procedure before he would meet with me.

Hubby and I went along and listened to his star patients give glowing reports on their new “slim” lifestyles. A Lap Band was passed around so that we could see how it is adjusted, we watched a taped procedure, we met the after care nurses, we met Him.

I was sold. That was 28 May, 2004
On 29^Th May, 2004 I joined Private Health Insurance and made my appointment to see the Professor.

 The 12 month wait for my insurance to kick in was going to be a long one!

During the 12 months I met not only with the Professor himself, but on different occasions his whole team. Dietitians, nurses, psychologists, general doctors etc I was the perfect candidate ….. Apparently. I had vials and vials of bloods taken to make sure that I was as healthy as an obese person can be.

My surgery was booked for the day my Private Health Insurance Kicked in …29^Th May, 2005

The surgery cost me $3200 out of pocket but included a lifetime of “Fills” and follow Up appointments and if necessary any subsequent surgeries.

For those that don’t know how an adjustable lap band works, I will try to explain it as simply as possible. The band itself looks like the soft rim of a balloon but thicker. It wraps around your upper stomach and creates two stomachs. It creates a small top stomach (pouch) which holds around 50mls, then of course the rest of your stomach below. Between the two stomachs is a very narrow passage that allows food to pass from the new small stomach to the big stomach.

Attached to the Lap Band is plastic tubing which is also attached to a “Port”. The Port is sewn to a muscle usually to the left of your belly button.

The Port is where Saline is injected. The saline goes up the tubing into the Band and tightens it. Otherwise known as “Restriction” or a “Fill”

The Port can also be used to remove saline if you are over “filled” 

So the whole idea is for you to get the perfect amount of restriction to allow you to eat a small amount that leaves you feeling full. Otherwise known as “Satiety”

The deal is …. Eat too much or try to drink while your eating and your food will come straight back up… disgusting really.

At this point I should say that I personally know quite a few women and a few men who have done really well with this surgery. I am not campaigning against it. I am only sharing my experience.

And my experience was not a positive one!

I was admitted to “The Avenue Private” in the lush Melbourne suburb of Toorak, the morning of the surgery around 5am.

I was prepared for my 2 day stay, toiletries, comfy clothes and a carton of cigarettes!

After waiting for what seemed an eternity for the anaesthetist, I decided to go and have a cigarette or two… my last before surgery.

There was no designated smoking area so I went out to the car park, little did I know it was the Doctors car park. I quickly inhaled a couple of cigarettes, all the while getting dirty looks from passing Doctors.

I am not sure what clicked inside me, but I handed hubby my packet of smokes and told him I was giving up! I laugh now. I can only imagine what he was thinking. We went back to my room where the anaesthetist was waiting. Surprisingly she didn’t go crook at me for being outside smoking. She quite casually told me of the risks associated with cigarette chemicals and anaesthetic. I knew I had made a life changing decision. After she left I gave hubby my carton of smokes from my suitcase and asked him to give them to my parents. (who both smoked at the time) That was the end of my smoking career.

The LAP in lap band means laparoscopic. Tiny incisions that medical equipment is passed through to insert the band. 

I was to have 3 small incisions with minimal scaring where the instruments were inserted and one thicker scar where the Port was inserted.

The recovery pain was to be minimal as laparoscopic incisions are very small. The most pain was to be from the port site.

I was to spend a maximum of two nights in hospital.
Well…….
I awoke in agony. I have a fairly high pain threshold but this was ridiculous.
A nurse was quickly at my side. She told me that the surgeon went in laparoscopicly (sp?) but I had too much fat around my liver. The surgeon quickly reverted to open surgery.
This involved an incision from just below my breastbone to just above my belly button. It also involved 26 staples!!!

FUCK I WANTED A CIGARETTE …. STAT !

Anyhooo… hubby soon appeared and the first think I did was lift up my hospital gown to display my new silver … he recalls how I exclaimed “LOOK what they did to me”

My trusty CPap Bed Buddy

"Look at what they did to me"

"the open surgery scar, the port scar and one of the laproscopic scars

Now that I had major surgery, it was evident that I was in for longer than 2 days.

It turned into 6 nights.

I have an amazing husband. He took time off work and became my full time nurse.

He had some disgusting jobs to do!

He also took care of the kids who were 9 and 7 at the time. And whilst I had already planned my daughter’s 9^Th birthday party… hubby stepped in an completed all preparation and hosted the party. I was unable to participate as I was bedridden.
Day 10 was the day the staples needed to be removed. I was SHITTING myself. I was more scared and nervous of that than the actual surgery.

Little scabs had formed over each staple which needed to be removed. As usual, hubby was there holding my hands and consoling me.

That done, then time for the staples. Most came out easy… then there were a couple of infected ones… they hurt like hell, thankfully the nurse wasn’t mucking about… she got them all out swiftly!

I was sent home with an inflamed red scar, antibiotics and an appointment card for 3 days time.
I was still on a liquid diet and would continue to be for another 2 weeks.

When I went to my appointment it was time for my first “fill” to gain some restriction. Now I know I sound like a sook but I have to say that for reasons unbeknown to me, I am scared shitless of the fill needle. It is the longest needle I have ever seen and the thought of it going into my stomach makes me physically ill.

The Professor uses his finger tips to find the port and quite easily and quickly inserts the needle. In all honesty its just a small prick. But it’s the weird ass feeling of it being inside me that freaks me out!

I started on solid foods. Mainly boiled veg and anything soft. No meat at this point.. I just couldn’t swallow it.

The Fill process is a slow one. Only .5 of a ml of saline is injected at a time.

Over the next few months I returned weekly for fills.

As this post is getting rather long winded I will summarise the events of the 2 years that followed my surgery.

I was NEVER full… I never experienced that feeling of fullness that this surgery was meant to provide. This is turn meant that I had to control myself, something I had assumed the band would do for me.

I had a fill that was really uncomfortable and actually caused some pain. It was about 2 months after surgery. I didn’t realise until I got home and went to have a drink.

 I couldn’t even swallow sips of water. Within an hour I couldn’t even swallow my own saliva. Hubby called the Professor who told us to go straight to the hospital.

I was a dribbling mess!

After my exam the Professor told me my Port had come away from its stitches and I needed surgery to stitch it back into place. … Into surgery I went.

Two weeks later at a check up to get the stitches out… my would site was infected.. internally ! … more antibiotics. (more thrush)

4 weeks later I ended up with a fever out of the world and back into surgery to have the wound cleaned up.

Another 4 weeks and the infection couldn’t be controlled. It was like my body was rejecting the port. – Back into surgery to have the port removed and my wound left open for natural healing.

Fuck me… I had no idea what I was in for.

The port removal was day surgery. The nurse asked hubby if he was OK to change my dressings or whether I need a nurse. – He said he would do it.

The nurse told me there was some gauze in the wound, to pull it out and put fresh gauze in as required… off we went home, a bag full of sterile goodies and more antibiotics.

It’s about a 45 minute drive from the Hospital to our house. By the time we got home my top was blood stained. A dressing change was in order.. Immediately.

I will never forget what happened next. I almost gag at the memory.

We removed the cover dressing to find a hole in my stomach. The hole was packed with gauze. Under sterile conditions hubby attempted to pull the gauze out. OMG ! the pain ! … it had already started to stick as some blood had dried around it. There were lots of tears. Lots of, “Why me’s?” ‘Hadn’t I been through enough?”

I got in the shower and allowed the water to soften the blood. With one hand against the shower door, fist and teeth clenched, I pulled out metres of gauze. I am crying just trying to type this. It was the most painful, revolting, humiliating thing I have had to do. I was so ashamed and disgusted at myself. Pulling this gauze out was pulling at every emotion I thought I had under control. I had no one to blame but myself and some dodgy genes. I didn’t get myself into the state by eating salad.

I couldn’t repack fresh gauze… it wasn’t going to happen. I couldn’t bring myself to stuff it into my stomach. I covered the area with sterile patches whilst at work and when at home I uncovered it to let air get to it.

the open wound once the infection had cleared

It healed.. eventually. After trying to type this, I have come to the realisation that I never did.

Having no port in, meant that my band could not be adjusted. I was in danger of stretching the pouch like I did the first time.

I was port less for about 6 months. This is when I lost the majority of my weight. Put quite simply, I couldn’t swallow. I missed out on eating a Family Christmas Meal that I prepared. Silly… the things you remember!

Back into surgery to have a fresh port put in and the fill process began again. This time there was no mucking about … within 6 weeks it was full to capacity. In total I had lost 28 kg. My weight was now 136 kg. Given all the shit I had been through the Professor was happy with my loss. I wasn’t.. but that’s another blog.

I could once again eat a shitload of food… just not raw veg or salad, bread, lamb or chicken breast. I could eat on occasion, chicken thigh, fish and roast vegetables if covered in gravy.

The Professor was at a loss. The perfect candidate turned out not to be perfect and very high maintenance.

This takes me to the end of 2006.

I was back in control of what I went ate. I tried to make the right choices. I felt like a complete failure. Who fucks up 2 lap bands????

I was still regurgitating the above mentioned foods every time I tried to eat them. I would try most days. I was trying so hard to get those foods down to be normal. Regurgitating the food does not mean weight loss. It doesn’t really mean anything other than some very embarrassing moments when in the company of others.

From the start of Jan 2007 to August 2007 I tried my best.

In August hubby and I made a joint decision to have my fill removed. We were about to embark on a 4 week holiday to the USA. We were to get married in Vegas and honeymoon for the rest of the time. We did not want emergency situations…..

The Professor weighed me in at 128kgs…. That meant I had lost 12kgs on my own! I was very happy about that!. The Professor reluctantly agreed to take my fill out and book an appointment for when I returned to have it put back in.

Old habits die hard …. The first port of call was McDonald's Drive Thru in Chadstone. Cheese Burger and fries …. Dóh !

Hubby and I went to the USA …. I shall re phrase, Hubby and I ate our way around the USA.

We married in Vegas on September 22^ND 2007.

Me on my wedding day in Las Vegas "loving the Up Do"

Upon return I kept my appointment with the Professor. 

I had put on 14kgs in 6 weeks !!!

So I was back up to 144 kg.

He filled me band to capacity in one foul sweep! He was mad as hell ! I,on the other hand couldn’t have given a shit.

I had enjoyed myself and was sure I would get the 14kgs off.

SO after 2 years I was able to eat Meat, salad, veg and bread for 6 weeks.

That freedom was unbelievable, but also detrimental.

No I was back to regurgitating every thing I ate… well everything healthy that I ate.

I was over this damned band.

Skip ahead to this very moment in time. I can eat anything I like… I can eat more than a man. I have stretched my pouch.

I still have my band in and yes it’s at capacity.

I just happen to be one of the unlucky ones that this didn’t work for… not through lack of trying!

Just another one of the trials and tribulations of my life in elastic waisted pants xx