An emotional week

Hmmm this past week has sure seen some ups and downs both in the weight loss department and on the home front.

It's been 6 days since I last blogged. One of my last blogs was mentioned that I had a weight gain for no apparent reason and that I was at peace with my body playing tricks on me.

Well the gain kept increasing each day and I was no longer at peace! I was busting my gut doing more excersise than I had done in my life yet gaining weight? I am way to fat to be blaming muscle gain... I was not at the time of the month where I could blame fluid retention etc... there were no excuse. SO with that I was disheartened to say the least. A trip to McDonald's fixed that ! That was after I had already eaten my normal dinner ! It was also after I had eaten cake and .... should I go on?

The following day I tried to pull myself together, trying to get my head back into the right space to stick to my calorie allowance etc. It's been a hard slog but I am back on track and today I weighed back in and 128.2 which is what I was a week ago before the weight gain started.

I need to start on the treadmill again ... its been 4 days and I am already dreading it !

On a brighter note...

My hubby and I had a "Date Day" yesterday. It was so very long over due. We went to Hogs Breathe Cafe for lunch.
This was challenging !  I had decided that I was going to order whatever I wanted and to hell with the calories.  I was just about to order a very cheesy dish when the following words came out of my mouth..." Can I please have the Lite Cut Steak Sandwich with no cheese please" .... I think I shocked myself hehehe

It wasn't quite as Nice as my cheesy dish would have been but I was full and also proud of myself!

We then went to Gold Class and saw a FABULOUS Aussie movie, The Sapphires.  It was a lovely day topped off with grocery shopping together lol !! Very romantic !

On a not so bright note... My beautiful son Mr 14 has his first serious Girlfriend Miss 14. She is gorgeous inside and out... they are so cute together. I will condense this as much as possible as it's a very lengthy story. Unfortunately Miss 14 was seriously bullied at school and had to transfer schools.  Now that the bullies are aware of Mr & Miss 14's relationship the bullying is now directed to Mr 14. The bullies are girls. Some of the bullying has been physical. Mr 14 would never hit a girl and is obviously embarrassed by the situation. He is such a gentle soul. He has been tormented in writing, verbally and now physically. He is withdrawing more and more everyday.  As a family the decision has been made to move schools. There is a process to be followed and step one was notifying his current school. They have kicked into damage control but we all know that bringing the situation to light will fuel these girls with more ammunition.  As I write I am awaiting a call from the school to see what Step Two is.

So to wrap things up ... it's been a weird week.... up's and down's and I'm glad it's over !

Me v's The Treadmill

I'm keeping this short and sweet as I am sure the pain in my feet is radiating it's way around my body!

This morning at 8:50 I stepped on my treadmill will an aim to beat my previous calorie burn of 288 calories. I was also determined to stay on and not have a break. I was really hoping to get to 300 calories without stopping.

I made it... I didn't stop. In fact, I kept going, small reachable goals. Just another 250 metres, then another and another etc.

61 Minutes later I stepped off the treadmill, sweating and exhausted. I had just done 5.3 kms ! and smashed 503 calories.

I cannot explain how sore my feet were / are. It was totally worth it. There were some happy tears too!

I had quite a few things to do today and found it really hard to walk. Funnily enough my legs are not hurting, just my feet.

I am not sure how my feet will handle the treadmill tomorrow and I am not making any outlandish statements on out doing today's efforts..... whatever happens on that Treadmill tomorrow, I will know what I am capable of and try my hardest.

5 days of not much

Its been 5 days since my last blog.

What's been happening?

Every day I have managed to push myself a little harder on the treadmill and today I did 3.5kms in 42 mins which burnt 288 calories.  Some how I have to keep pushing as I am meant to be burning 600+ calories a day. Baby Steps.

My friends Nic somehow convinced me to commit to participating in the Sussan's Women's Fun Run in December. At this point in time I have committed to the 5km event which is scaring the crapola out of me ! I see no "Fun" in the Run .... I think I'll be walking ... I am just determined to finish it !

My last weigh in saw get down to 129.4kgs This meant that I reached my 25kgs lost target. My reward was a Spencer and Rutherford IPad sleeve.

I have changed the order of my rewards around a bit as I am desperate to go to the hairdresser. My next goal is 124.4 which will mean 30kgs gone and hairdresser here I come !

I finally used my massage voucher that my kids gave me for mothers day. Oh my legs were so sore... they were even more sore after the massage! It was really nice to lay down for an hour and be pampered though !

I still have a voucher for Endota Spa to use. I am still way to self conscious to go there and thankfully it doesn't expire until March 2013!

On another note, I belong to a few weight loss groups on Face Book and find reading other peoples stories quite motivating. I don't join in many of the conversations as these people are mostly at goal weight or close to it. They also exercise way more than me etc and quite frankly I feel a little inadequate.

I wanted to share something that I read on one of the pages and how I reacted.

"Was sipping a skinny latte today when I realized three things; all of the fat people that ordered a coffee also ordered cake. I much prefer my herbal tea to a skinny latte. And "sweet poison" is the best book I've read this year."

This was written by someone close to her goal weight. She is also a mentor to many in the group.

Personally, I was far from impressed and totally offended.  It's attitudes and judgements like this that send us FAT, CAKE EATING, COFFEE DRINKING people into hibernation. These judgements encourage people like me to closet eat.

Whilst I no longer order cake with my skinny hot chocolate, I certainly don't judge those that do. After all... without cake where would I be! I must say though, if I wanted cake, and had built it into my calorie allowance for the day then I would bloody well order cake.

Anyway, that little rant is over and buried and I have decided to leave that group.

Since my little Nacho indiscretion I have managed to stay completely within my 1200 calories a day. I went out with my two BFF's last Wednesday night.. knocked back a couple of skinny hot chocolates but I was within my calorie allowance. Had a great night... just being normal!

My Lap Top has been dying for about 6 months. I had no choice but to buy a new one over the weekend.  I had a couple of choices... I could buy another PC type Lap Top for around $700 - $800 or complete the cycle and go completely Apple.  Hubby has a Apple Mac which we use as our home PC, we all have Iphone's and Mr 14 and I have IPads... apparently it a natural progression hahaha

SO now I have a shiny new 13" Mac Book Pro that I am scared off! I am using my old lap top, probably for the last time... it's freezing and hiccuping etc. Hopefully I will have my head around the world of Mac for my next blog!

Tomorrow night is my hubbies work dinner... there was a momentary lapse of reason and I suggested to hubby that I could go and have roast meat and salad. Today I have changed my mind again. I think I will stay home.

My weight ... hmmm .... My new Official weigh in was yesterday at 128.2kg

This morning I weighed in an extra 600 grams heavier at 128.8kgs ... this is the negative side to weighing daily. I am at peace that my body is playing tricks as there is no reason for a gain. Fingers crossed some if not all of it is gone tomorrow !

Tonight is Careers Counselling for Miss 16 at her High School ... easy peasey dinner tonight .. Subway... yummo  it's my version of guilt free take away food !

Well that's my last few day's summed up. I am feeling great, renewed and ready to be challenged... until next time I am signing off from my Lap Top for the last time xx





Biggest Loser Club Weigh in Week 4 08/08/12

Today was my last Wednesday weigh in as I will now be weighing on on Sundays with Shannans Challenge.

Another double edged sword .... I have now officially lost 25kgs yayyy... that feels fantastic.

No fancy Biggest Loser graphs .... me on my scales at 128.9 kilos

BUT I only managed to lose 600 grams for the week. A real kick in the gut when I have stuck to 1200 calories a day for the entire week. I cant even blame that time of the month.

After looking at my new exercise program as of next week I went into a bit of a panic.
I haven't gotten off my bum in almost 3 years... how in the world am I going to do 60 minutes of calorie and fat burning exercise?

I am going to have to build up to it over the next week or 2 I think. Last night I promised myself I would walk for 20 minutes today. Even that thought made me feel ill!

Alas I awoke and its pouring down. No excuses... buried deep under a mountain of dust is an almost new (as in hardly used) treadmill my garage.

I dusted it off and did 20 minutes... I wanted to stop after about 3 minutes hehehe.

I burnt 185 calories and stayed in my heart rate zone for 19.5 minutes... I am knackered!

185 calories burnt

My average heart rate was 119 and it peaked at 155

I was in the calorie / fat burning zone for 19:32 minutes if my exercise time

Tomorrow I will aim for 25 minutes !

I am off now to watch Magic Mike at Gold Class with two of my besties... I am looking forward to getting out and doing something non weight related !

Until tomorrow ....

Shannans 8 week challenge preparation

I have recovered from last nights little melt down and looking forward to the next 9 weeks.

Shannan Pontan’s 8 week challenge starts next Monday 13^th of Augst so all weigh in’s will take place on a Sunday instead of my usual Wednesday weigh in.

I will still weigh in tomorrow as usual but there will be no fancy Biggest Loser scales etc. as my details with the Biggest Loser Club have been reset to Sundays.

This week is all about getting prepared for the challenge.

My scales are so dodgy and I have wanted to get new ones for a long time. My current scales can fluctuate a couple of kilos within seconds! I usually weigh myself 6 or 7 times and take the average weight. It’s time to take the guess work out of my weight loss.  I bit the bullet and purchased a new set of Weight Watchers Scales today.

I spent a lot of time researching and getting the best price etc… Google and EBay are good friends of mine!  Lets hope they get here before Friday.

My New Scales, they had better be nice to me!

I also purchased resistance bands which are required for the exercise program in Shannans Challenge.

Resistance Bands... they scare me !

 My friend Nic who is also doing this challenge with me, popped over yesterday and gave me a crash course on how to use my heart rate monitor. It’s all very exciting!

I am going to try to stick to Shannans eating plan as much as possible. He obviously has proven success with his Biggest Loser Contestants so who am I to change things up to much? I will be changing a few meals though as I am not really a fish eater, so out goes the sardines, salmon etc

I also don’t eat cereal. It honestly makes me gag. I have never been able to tolerate it. There are other breakfast options as in toast, crumpets, fruits etc so I am sure I will find alternatives.

Tonight I was home alone for dinner. Miss 16 went out with her boyfriend, Mr 14 went to friends for dinner and hubby was working late. 

In the past I would have seen this as an excuse to buy myself fish and chips or order in Chinese or Indian food. I was also particularly hungry tonight.

I made myself a scrambled omelette which came in under 300 calories and it was HUGE. It was really yummy and filling. 

Dinner tonight, far cry from oily Fish and Chips !

I am not sure what the morning will bring on the scales. I sneak weigh in most days and the scales are moving but in both directions! Some days up, some days down. Apart from a tiny indiscretion with the few nachos, I have been completely on track. If there is no loss then its my body playing games with me. I will try not to get disheartened.

Until tomorrow …

Dinner Cancellations and Secrets

Remember my husbands team dinner?

Well it’s been rescheduled to next Tuesday.  He emailed me about an hour ago to let me know.

I went into a panic.

I don’t know why I am reacting this way.

This is the reply I sent him, copy and pasted from the email;

Last night I proved to myself that I can’t be trusted around food. I should have been able to resist the nacho’s.

I need to sit this out… I am a food addict and need to be responsible for my actions. I don’t have the willpower in a buffet situation.
I am also declining the invitation to have dinner with XXXXXX and XXXXXX  before the movie on Wednesday night. Even though I can chose what I order, I don’t know how much oil etc they use so I am not prepared to risk my hard work at this stage.

Sorry to let you down… I have to do this for me.

Xx

I am flooded with emotions. The tears haven’t stopped since I hit reply.

Is it because I finally put it in writing. THAT I AM AN ADDICT ?

Is it that I am letting my husband down because I have no willpower?

Is it because I try so fucking hard to be normal and this just proves that I am not normal.  No normal person has to withdraw from social situations to avoid food.

Also two of my closest friends and I are going to see Magic Mike at Gold Class on Wednesday night with dinner before hand.  I have just let them know that I won’t be joining them for dinner.  This is just ridiculous, I am so ashamed of myself right now. I am so angry that I have allowed myself to get so big and that these actions need to be taken.

I was actually having a really positive day, even momentarily forgiving myself for the handful or two or three of the Nacho’s with sour cream and guacamole that I had before my salad last night.  (my first indiscretion in almost 4 weeks) 

My 8 week challenge with Shannan Pontan starts on Monday 13^Th August.  I haven’t told my husband I have joined up. I haven’t told him that I have been using The Biggest Loser Website for the past 3 weeks.

He is having his own weight struggles and whilst he is eating my low cal meals he is indulging in his foods of choice in between.  Whilst he definitely supports my weight loss, he struggles with me banging on about it.

 
I have been so motivated and totally in the right head space, with proven results. I know this must be hard for him to keep hearing. 

In saying this, I hate having secrets. It’s really not intentional; I just don’t know how to go about telling him. He doesn’t even know about this blog!

At this point in time I am still not disclosing anything… fear of failure maybe? I think a little bit of everything is coming into play.

I need to stop crying before he gets home… I hate feeling this way.

I am looking forward to a happier post next blog !

Birthdays

Thursday 2nd of August was hubbies birthday.
I cooked a huge batch of cheese nachos with home made salsa and guacamole and lots of beef tacos. It was quite a Mexican feast and none of it low fat or low calorie.
Mexican is my most favorite meal ever and the rest of my family loves it too.
Not only did I shock hubby, kids & guests, but I shocked myself. I didn't touch a morsel ! Instead I had a MCCains Roast Chicken frozen meal which was only 280 calories. Yay me!
I didn't even touch the cake that I made for hubby!

Hubby's death by chocolate, maple syrup mud cake

Today is my sons 14th Birthday. Last night my parents came over and lots of pizza was consumed, none by me! I had pre prepared a beef curry for myself. When cake and chocolate goodies came out for dessert, I had my tub of yoghurt.
I think this made everyone uncomfortable. I don't really care. I know that I have given 100% to my cause. After all, this is about me.


Mr 14 has chosen to go to Taco Bill for dinner. Yes I will be going and eating. I already know that I will be having a fajita salad. Nice and low in fat and calories and delicious to boot.
As I write, I am at Mr 14's footy match ( it's half time) ... I can smell the familiar smell of meat pies and hot dogs... Yes my mouth is watering, yes it pisses me off that I can't have some.
I know that every food choice I make will tell a story on the scales next Wednesday.